Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Deals With Dogs

Unbeknownst (now there’s a word) to most of you humans, the Dog Rock Gods engage in some pretty serious horsetrading before a dog actually agrees to become a part of our pack. Julia Gillard ain’t got nothing on us. These agreements are extremely confidential so we shall only publish the essence of the most interesting ones and you must only read this post once.

Noosh (pictured) insists that she is allowed to pick up a toy and present it to us before she agrees to walk with us. She is prepared to sit in the elevator and jump into the back compartment of the car. At no point has she agreed to stay in that compartment, despite strenuous negotiations.

Ruby Watson has made a deal that Snowy will never walk on her walk because he is a Westie and Westies suck. In return she agrees to walk with us, which is a very big, not to be underestimated, deal for a princess.

Snowy has a deal that he will never walk on Ruby Watson’s walk because he wants to live. In return he lets us throw the ball for him.

Jemima’s agreement states that we must meet at the bottom door of her living space, even if it is closed and the top and middle doors are open. On special occasions she too will present a toy. On presentation we have agreed to fuss and exclaim how unworthy we are. At one point she made what must be assumed to be an ambit claim to be allowed to sit on the driver’s lap whilst the car is in motion.

Josie has taken the toy presentation ritual a little further. Her contract insists we will have a little play, just between the two of us, before joining the others.

Bello agrees to walk with us provided we will crawl under his mum’s bed where he waits for us, give him a tummy rub, and then skilfully negotiate both ourselves and the little white fluffy back into the real world.

Hugo has conceded that he will not laugh as we can't possibly match his nimbleness up the stairs. He also acts as our personal trainer, moving us a little faster up the stairs each time while providing encouraging smiles and nods.

Dixie agrees to be perfect and in return we will be ever cognisant of her need to sniff the ground at her own leisurely pace. Her sister, Sadie has agreed to very little. We are permitted to walk her but cannot expect her to stand up to get her collar on or to stay with the group when a big dog with huge swinging bits between his legs makes an appearance in the park.

Molly consents to walk with us so that we can boast we have our very own supermodel on our books. In exchange she reserves the right to display the sometimes odd behaviour of just such a supermodel.

Olive will happily come to the car unless her mother is there in which case she behaves as though she will be beaten within an inch of her life should she come with us. Our deal with her is that she will always have fun.

Indie’s contract stipulates that we provide a small but bulky roly poly sort of dog for him to play with on each walk. In return he has agreed to try really hard to not to jump up on us at every opportunity. He is not doing very well with this.

Rex agrees to come to the park with the Dog Rock God but insists that he be taken home by Dog Saint Meredith. In return we are the recipients of his rascally grin.

Monty has a special clause in his contract that only allows Buttons to lick the slobber off his chin. The only time Monty ever displays any temper is when this agreement is broken. It can be difficult to get all other dogs to agree with this agreement. Monty’s brother Buttons is delightful at all times in exchange for a commitment from the Dog Rock Gods to much oohing and aahing and “clever boy”ing every time he climbs a tree on a walk which averages out to 2 or 3 times per session.

Spikey agrees that we are in charge of when the walk ends provided that he gets some say in the direction we will take on said walk.

Gypsy insists on a tummy rub before each walk. In return, she has tutored many a dog in the fine art of tree climbing.

Conversely, Toast has lodged an ambit claim suggesting he will decide when the walk ends. This has been rejected but as he has agreed to take on the mantle of top dog, the boundaries of his position are still being explained.

In the ‘be careful what you wish for' category sits Bebe. We have made a deal with Bebe that we will continue to walk her if she ceases taking the head off any dog who has her ball. Please note all balls belong to Bebe. Bebe has steadfastly stuck to the deal. So much so that the other day, in teeming rain, when we were trying to get all dogs back in the car and Daisy was refusing due to the fact she had a ball in her mouth, we requested that Bebe break the deal, just this once, and GET DAISY. Nup. So for 20 minutes we all sheltered in the car while Daisy frolicked with her prize, until, finally bored and saturated she shivered herself over to the car, dropped the ball, and asked to get in. Door opens, in jumps Daisy, out jumps Bebe to get the now free ball, as per agreement.

Of course there are many more such deals, but it would be imprudent to discuss them.

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